Sunday, 17 April 2011

I don't swing.

Whilst I'm in the facility just wanted to clear up a point. In an early post on neighbors the word swinger is highlighted. I have no explanation for this; I did not highlight it myself and it is not connected to some raunchfest. Sorry for anyone who has felt mislead...
Paris Hilton may be all about the pocket pup and others get all worked up about teabag pigs or summin but I want this. Tiny Tim; a tiiiiiiny tortoise that was born in Wipsnade zoo this week. He is, apparently, no bigger than a grape! I reckon he will probably get a tad larger but on a carefully monitored diet I'd like to believe he would never out grow my left coat pocket. He could loiter about on my desk in the library, nonchalantly pushing pencil shavings around my note book and typing out messages on my keyboard by slowly lolling from one key to the next. His size would mean that the risk of losing him would run high BUT his speed would be an impediment. This recent influx of borrower sized animals has certainly left me thinking about other possible zoological phenomenons. Mini elephant? with fully functional trunk for summer water fight fun? A penguin the size of a nectarine who could occasionally chill out in your fridge? A tiny seal, no bigger than my left hand who would join one in the bath (costumed of course) for jokes. A miniature panda-could live in a bonsai plant. The more i think about it the more i realise that any animal in miniature form would be a delight. I really need to get my hands on that tortoise though. Revision would just be so much more fun.

Friday, 8 April 2011

http:// You NEED to see this. Skittles, the sweet of choice of my thirteen year old self, have recently (no offence lads) been kinda brushed aside by other confectionery choices: fruit pastilles, rebels etc. but in a recent attempt to side themselves with the random, reckless, inhibited youthful self inside of all of us they've launched a mindpickling campaign. Clever use of the mega digital dominator facebook made sure they didn't miss out on any of us student-y lot who watch all our TV on our laptops. wise move. In fact the campaign has yet to visit me via televisual channels. So thought I'd take a moment to say thank you skittles. Thank you for re asserting your presence, saying 'jigna' (or at least trying to) for me an all my friends, and really creeping me out with your cat ad. on a side note, does anyone know where fruit mentos have gone?

Thursday, 7 April 2011

I've been spending time in libraries and whilst my hunt for books has been largely unsuccesfull I have discovered an AMAZING artist. Thought I'd share. genuinly some of the most amazing drawings I have ever seen. Not sure that I'd score them high on technique but the concept and the attention to detail is breath taking. Mr Walter has drawn the UK and filled it in with a comical map of sorts. I honestly have no idea how to explain this! It's got to be seen. Personal fave of his other work includes the brand wall; who knew I would recognise so many brands! V. clever Mr Walter, V clever indeed.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

"The Boyfriend Question"

Being 21 and female I am growing used to the shocked faces I receive when I tell expectant relatives and "ripened" family friends that I don't have a boyfriend. I have now become somewhat immune to the gunshot of a question that follows: "why not?"
Firstly- don't ask me aunty Maud, I am not my potential suitor, ask men my age!
and Secondly- what do you want me to answer to that? something completely self deprecating like, "well i am just seriously unattractive both physically and emotionally, essentially the human equivalent of a Hawaiian shirt: most men will dabble with one when the season is right but none of them would ever really consider taking one seriously unless they are either aging rapidly and trying to recapture some of their lost youth or completely off their rocker". Or would they rather have me answer, and knowing their constitutions they probably wouldn't, "I am really into really kinky shit and most men just can't handle it" (insert finger click and hair swish)

Neither of these answers are true, but i think it is important to keep the questioner on their toes, especially after they've asked such a ludicrous question.

I have now had enough of the "why not" question and so I have decided to dedicate toady's post entirely to ways of combating it dependant on who you are dealing with, because to be frank the honest answer: "I just haven't met anyone recently who really takes my fancy" is growing a bit tiresome, so here we go:

1) The Elderly Relative: "Why not? Well that's simple, I don't believe in promiscuity, in fact the idea of pulling someone in a nightclub makes my innocent flesh crawl. I am waiting till I meet the perfect man, and since I just haven't met him yet, I will wait and not date anyone if it is purely for "fun".

2) Mum and Dad: "I am just working so hard on my degree at the moment that I don't have time to meet new people and even if I did I would rather you chose my boyfriends for me because I'm yet to pick one that's up to your standard and frankly I can't face disappointing you anymore.

3) Siblings: "Seriously? Piss off"

4) That Creepy Guy In The Club: "I am asexual (N.B: do not say "I'm a lesbian" this will only encourage them). Sex makes me nauseous, in fact, your proximity to my face is making me very woozy. I need to go get some air. Without you.

5) Your Ex Fling: "What, who told you that? They probably just can't keep up with who I'm dating at the moment and to be honest neither can I."

6) The Dream Man:.........actually wait, he probably won't ask, or if he does, fingers crossed he'll say, "why don't you have a boyfriend, being so beautiful, sexy and intelligent".

7) Your Boyfriend: "Sorry, have you neglected to tell me something at some point this evening?"

I think that about covers everyone who could possibly ask the question. So equipped with answers for all scenarios let's face those naive buggers who believe that not having a boyfriend is somehow as abnormal and distressing as your dad's latest holiday shirt binge.....

Monday, 8 November 2010

Neighbor Hood Party.

Generally, my relationships with my neighbors are civil. I do not talk to them, they do not talk to me. Occasionally I'll hold their mail for them and pop it over when the time is right; sometimes should i be feeling particularly emotionally generous, I'll wave to them if we both exit camp at the same time. The issue with the 'neighbs' is a relativly new one and one that has arisen from my student accom experiences. Our house this year is sandwhiched between two others. This is fine, I have little issue with this. But lets put some more variables into the mix. The walls in student houses are generally not much more substantial than a slightly stale rice cake; our living hours are genereally akin to that of a fox until exam period when we try and face daylight; we are firm believers in pre/post parties. Herein lies the issue. A pre party is no biggie, a post party is a bitofa bitch especially when it involves Bon Jovi till 5 in the am. And, the killer factor, is being held in the bedroom next door to my own. In their defence, it was really not that loud, in fact I could just make out the chorus (but that is about the right amount of Bon Jovi song you'll need to play audibly for me to get angry.I am greatly thankful that they (my new roomies) do not enjoy death/black metal as much as last years neighbor did- that was a tough one, and it got kinda creepy when he/she just played songs that I had been listening to earlier in the day. And this house (new nextdoor) also don't practise whipping in the garden or raping in the bedroom(it really sounded potentially prisonworthy) and we must be thankful for small mercies. Our Neighbors on the other side aren't much better. You normally get an argument about once a week. Which is suprisingly good entertainment. We normally turn off the TV to make sure we've heard every 'I...HATE...YOU'. Fights are fine, dance music obsession is a little trying on a wednesday afternoon. I'd like to think I am a good semi room mate. I have fantastic taste in music (I believe-who doesn't love Barry White on a Sunday afternoon), I rarely have parties in my room and I don't own a whip. Surely I am within the codes of neighbor etiquette? I don't practise djembe drumming in my down time, I don't own a parrot or a furby, I don't enjoy music written by tragic 90's rock bands, I don't put up pictures on the adjoining wall using hammers/nails, and I don't open their mail when it's left round ours. Maybe we/I should set down some groundrules for anyone who shares a wall with me in future (and I write this to cover any eventuality) 1. No hammers on any occasions (the walls in any student house are mighty small and I don't want a peep hole betwixt our chambers) (FYI, my friend had a neighbor who watched us in his garden through a hole in the fence...weird) 2. No Bon Jovi unless you have headphones. 3. No raucous sex or swingers meetings nextdoor. I don't want to play any part in your lovemaking so I certainly don't want to hear it. 4. No whips. The reasons are self evident. 5. No pets that can speak (younger siblings, parrots, trained chimpanzee's etc.) 6. No Martial arts practise past 8pm. Generally a noisy activity. 7. No early morning theatricals. I do really want to know why "Gav toootally pisse''erd me aaf" and why "eeeee's saaaach a waaankaaa" but not at this hour/audio level. 8. Don't stare at me when I'm in my kitchen doing my dishes like we know each other: "Oh yea, Hi, haven't seen you since last time you watched me baking". 9. Don't keep maggots in your fridge (I did have a neighbor who did this, though the maggots were a side package that came with the liver that she kept for the neighborhood cats) 10. Don't post random mail through my door hate mail/ love letters; or for that matter fetish party invitations/ killing kittens parties, I don't want to go, at least not with you. However feel free to: 1. Put my bins out in my absence 2. Drop round with homebaked goods 3. Play Barry White at any hour of the day. I think that is everything covered. I think I might send this manifesto to Neighborhood watch.