Sunday, 9 January 2011

"The Boyfriend Question"

Being 21 and female I am growing used to the shocked faces I receive when I tell expectant relatives and "ripened" family friends that I don't have a boyfriend. I have now become somewhat immune to the gunshot of a question that follows: "why not?"
Firstly- don't ask me aunty Maud, I am not my potential suitor, ask men my age!
and Secondly- what do you want me to answer to that? something completely self deprecating like, "well i am just seriously unattractive both physically and emotionally, essentially the human equivalent of a Hawaiian shirt: most men will dabble with one when the season is right but none of them would ever really consider taking one seriously unless they are either aging rapidly and trying to recapture some of their lost youth or completely off their rocker". Or would they rather have me answer, and knowing their constitutions they probably wouldn't, "I am really into really kinky shit and most men just can't handle it" (insert finger click and hair swish)

Neither of these answers are true, but i think it is important to keep the questioner on their toes, especially after they've asked such a ludicrous question.

I have now had enough of the "why not" question and so I have decided to dedicate toady's post entirely to ways of combating it dependant on who you are dealing with, because to be frank the honest answer: "I just haven't met anyone recently who really takes my fancy" is growing a bit tiresome, so here we go:

1) The Elderly Relative: "Why not? Well that's simple, I don't believe in promiscuity, in fact the idea of pulling someone in a nightclub makes my innocent flesh crawl. I am waiting till I meet the perfect man, and since I just haven't met him yet, I will wait and not date anyone if it is purely for "fun".

2) Mum and Dad: "I am just working so hard on my degree at the moment that I don't have time to meet new people and even if I did I would rather you chose my boyfriends for me because I'm yet to pick one that's up to your standard and frankly I can't face disappointing you anymore.

3) Siblings: "Seriously? Piss off"

4) That Creepy Guy In The Club: "I am asexual (N.B: do not say "I'm a lesbian" this will only encourage them). Sex makes me nauseous, in fact, your proximity to my face is making me very woozy. I need to go get some air. Without you.

5) Your Ex Fling: "What, who told you that? They probably just can't keep up with who I'm dating at the moment and to be honest neither can I."

6) The Dream Man:.........actually wait, he probably won't ask, or if he does, fingers crossed he'll say, "why don't you have a boyfriend, being so beautiful, sexy and intelligent".

7) Your Boyfriend: "Sorry, have you neglected to tell me something at some point this evening?"

I think that about covers everyone who could possibly ask the question. So equipped with answers for all scenarios let's face those naive buggers who believe that not having a boyfriend is somehow as abnormal and distressing as your dad's latest holiday shirt binge.....