Just when you think you have come to term with your bodies proportions the high street comes along and throws a spanner in the works.
I have, since the age of 13, had size 9 feet. Thankfully they are not out of proportion with my 5ft10" frame, but they are far to big for the British high street. Whilst most places will stock up to an 8 in all styles and a 9 in some of the less desirable ones; not one high street store has its entire collection ranging up to a 9. Apparently this tyranny effects only 8% of our female population...and a seriously pissed off 8% we are.
All I want this season is a pair of brown Oxford Brogues, hell I'll even settle for black. I just do not want to spend another summer larking about in my interchangeable summer foot-drobe of converse and flip flops.
When I was 13 this was never a problem. I located myself a pair of suitably gaudy trainers and wore them till they broke. They were then promptly replaced with another pair. I still have the same pair I wore for U14's netball practise. I felt cool back then but now I am sure the rest of boxercise can see a cheeky flash of sport sock peeping from between the seductive aerated curtain of my 2004 Adidas Clima Cools.
I cannot contain my excitment when a shoe trend is bisexual. By which I mean worn by both genders. I love my converse (even though I slated them earlier) and still remember the day I bought my pink high tops; for once in my life I had a shoe that was seen on the foot of the female celebs, well, Hilary duff on the poster for "A Cinderella Story". My high tops too could perhaps peek sexily out from underneath an over zealous prom dress whilst I seductively straddled the back of Chad Michael Murray. Or not.
My current boot of choice, The Doc Marten, is also a bi-trend; which is completely fantastic as yet again my feet are clad in a fashionfootfriendly number.....though admittedly not the chicest of shoe. My brothers try hard to prevent themselves being violently sick on them every time i put my feet on the sofa. They're also not a hit with the lads; men may want a confident and domineering woman but they don't all want someone who looks fresh off the set of "this is England" with an attitude to boot.
I have spent the past 48hrs frantically searching the web for a pair of brogues. They are men's shoes for god sake, stock them in a 9 Office! I have found some shoes in a 9. Alas, they are the kind my grandmother would be embarrassed to be seen in and we are talking about a women who has gold trainers by Ecco, you do the math.
Fearne Cotton and Aldo are my only solace. In fact, Cotton has a pair on the Littlewoods website that almost hit the spot. Shame they are white: big feet, white shoes, a formidable combination. La Redoute has also made an attempt to be BFG (big footed girl) friendly, but sadly none of their flats would be acceptable on the foot of anyone other than a blind, middle aged, misguided, maths teacher. A bit harsh, but when to my disappointment I found their version of a 42 was a UK 8 they were asking for it.
I have resigned myself to Ebay, tirelessly searching the mens shoe sections, typing as many syntactical variations of, brown, oxford, brogue, 42, as you can think of. It is sadly my only option aside from binding my feet and I am not one who believes in that whole "beauty is pain" malark.
I am not asking for much, just one size more. I am more than content to push my foot, ugly sister-style, into a size 8 if i feel the wearing in period won't outlive a week but sometimes I just wish asking for the next size up was met with a yes rather than: a "sorry This is our largest size", or "You could look on our website" or the dreaded "Some of our mens shoes are similar".
Maybe one day the great British high street will answer my call and me and the other 8% of size 8+ women will no longer be confined to peep toes, sandals, and stretchy flats but shall roam free in that Utopic world of perfect pumps and well fitting brown Oxford brogues.
You know what they say about women with big feet?